My dear, sweet LJ, I've been neglecting you. I apologize. For those who may wonder, my boob-smash results were just fine, though they're still watching closely. I have to go back and get both smashed in two weeks. yay.

It's been a shitty week and I'm cranky. The D-Man has been sickly all week with a horrible ear infection, though his fever finally broke Wednesday. He's been clingy and whiney and generally cranky as well. It's not been fun. Getting him to take his medecine has been trying.

So, it's finally Saturday. A day to relax? Hell no. Here's my agenda for today:

Laundry - as much as possible
Clean out sink & run dishwasher
clean up kitchen
help D pick up his toys
feed the snake & clean out his tank
vaccum livingroom
clean out shoe shelf & put away summer shoes
help D sort out a box full of toys to go to poor kids in Mexico
grocery shopping

Most important:
(and most essential to my sanity)


I drank far too much vodka last night. My head hurts. Ow.
I just ate scrambled eggs and bacon and now my stomach hurts, too. Joy.

Also on the agenda: smoking about 6 pounds of venison jerky. mmmm
Grilled bambi kabobs last night and they were delish.

I would like to ask a favor or you, though...I need a recommendation for what book to read next. I just finished "the Way of the Peaceful Warrior" and it was very good. What's the best book you've ever read? Your input, please.

Stay tuned for further broadcasts at this station.
  • Current Mood
    cranky cranky

Facing the Music

Isn't it funny how we swallow our fear and let it eat away at our insides? Why do we do that?

Some of you may have noticed that I've been unusually quiet lately - haven't blogged much, have been reading but not commenting much, haven't been responding to comments - just haven't been myself. It's because I've had a lot more than usual on my mind.

Today, I am going to see a surgeon who is a breast specialist. I will have a digital mammogram to determine if I have breast cancer. There are a few "calcifications" I have in one breast that they have been watching the last couple of years with mammograms every six months.

A dear friend of mine just had a mastectomy due to a very agressive form of breast cancer - and hers started exactly the same as what I have going on - calcifications. She recommended that I go see her specialist, and I thought it a good idea as I'm tired of doing what, to me, has effectively been "beating around the bush" with these mammograms. The digitals are supposed to be much more revealing and can catch what's going on earlier, so I'm getting one to get to the bottom of this. I'm tired of wondering what will happen.

I know that these "calcifications" are not that uncommon and that they are normally nothing to be concerned about, but I can't ignore them. The thought of having...well, cancer, frankly scares the shit out of me. My little boy needs me and what if it takes me away from him?

I tried to call my best friend to see if she would go with me, but she hasn't been answering her phone. I didn't ask Chris to go because I don't want to worry him, have him miss work and I honestly haven't wanted to admit how afraid I am. Stupid, I know.

Aw shit, I can't type this any more or I'm going to make myself cry. I have my giant envelope of films and off I go to determine my fate. The only way I can think of facing it is exactly as I am - head on.

I'm scared, people, but I have to do this. Denial, in a situation like this, can cost you your life.
  • Current Mood
    nervous nervous

(no subject)

Meh. This is carried over from my other blog because, for some unknown reason, I felt like putting the whining drivel over here.

Slept a lot this weekend. I really needed that, I guess. I finally can say that I feel human again - not 100%, but much better.

I don't know why I have a cell phone. No one ever calls it.

I'm completely discouraged about my weight loss at this point. I haven't lost diddly squat for months and months. I may as well give up as it seems to me that there is no power in this world that will ever allow me to be skinny.

Pilates didn't seem to help a bit. I suppose it would help if I quit drinking. Maybe then the headaches and heartburn would stop. There really isn't much more I can quit, though - bread, corn, sugar, potatoes, rice, cereal...what else do I have to give up?

There's someone I'm worrying about though I suppose I don't really have a right to be worrying. I should just shut up and stop thinking about it. You can only reach your hand out into nothingness for so long before you begin to wonder what you're flailing for.

I'm bored with my work. Too much repetition and routine. I'll be getting some new duties but not being paid for them. Yay. Instead of training me to do the job I would LOVE to do and I would be very good at, they'll be hiring someone else. Where do you draw the line between insubordination and insisting that you be compensated for the additional duties you are given?

My main blog (in Blogger) seems to be dying a slow, painful death. I don't feel like I'm embraced by a "community" like I used to be on blogger - hell, that's why I stayed there instead of moving over here. It's just not what it was, though I suppose nothing ever is. Things always change. I just wish that once in a while it would be for the better. Maybe I should just dump that blog completely and move over here. Yes, Frank, I know. ;p

Fuck. I feel that dark cloud sneaking up on me. I don't even know how it got there. It's a complicated, tangled up web of frustration, doubts, resentment and lack of hope.

Maybe I should take up kickboxing.

Is there something fucked up about the alignments of the planets (minus Pluto, of course) right now?

To post this and risk sounding like a whiner - "oh, poor me" - or draft and maybe come back to it or just click the x and swallow it? Eeeny meeny miney mo.

Follow Me

Follow me into my dreams, love
Take my hand

Let me lead you to a land of bliss
Soft stroking hands and lips

We explore the sensations
Memorize the lines and curves

We store them away in the
Libraries of our minds

Feel the fire in me
And bask in it's warmth

For I don't have to reach for you
When you're with me
In my dreams

Ink Jitters

I just had to share this with you. I thought it was simply brilliant:

(clicky clicky to make it bigger)

I love everything about it - the lighting, the pose, the tattoos, the muscle tone. It's just an awesome photograph. As you can see, it's the work of Scott Church, one of my favorite photographers. He rocks.

Anyhoo...it reminded me of my upcoming new adventure - my first ink. Squeee! I'm starting to get the jitters about it. Did I choose the right image? Is the location I chose for it the right spot? Should I do this? Is it going to hurt like hell? Gah! The answers to all of the above are probably yes, but I'm getting nervous. I'm also concerned about the fact that wearing a bra might be a bit uncomfortable for a few days. I'll probably be getting it within the next few weeks.

For those who don't remember, this is pretty much what it will look like if all goes well. (image is not exactly work safe - that's why it's not right here for the world to see. lol)

As the time gets closer, the more nervous I get. I need reassurance, people. Tell me to do it and it will be the coolest thing ever, please. lol
  • Current Music
    Jack Johnson - Rodeo Clowns

The Ripple Effect

As each drop hit the surface, I sat mesmerized as every single one would create and intertwine with looping, concentric circles, just as any of us do when dropped into this world. We join the pool and immediately those who birthed us, parents circle us, then their parents from the circle besides, extended family, community, the friends we make as we grow, the teachers we find and their friends, their teachers, their families, until we're all interconnected to a myriad of each others circles, to all the circles, always moving and changing, but always connecting. And yet, if I held a hand so as to block drops from falling, the change made to the patterns by the absence of one was imperceptible: even if twenty or thirty drops hadn't fallen, while the pattern would be completely different, very few of us would be able to perceive our differences.

Each of us matters, each of us is part of a wide, arching pattern of connection and community. Without us, the pattern is not the same, and yet, even without any one of us, it keeps moving, keeps growing, keeps branching out all the same. What we do always sends out ripples what we do not do is not without impact, either: without action, the pattern is different than it would be otherwise. We and all we do are all essential and inessential all at once, in perfect, beautiful and bittersweet paradox.

Beautifully penned & photograph by Heather Corinna
  • Current Music
    Dido - Here With Me

SASF v.11.11 - Where the Hell Am I?

It's been a longstanding tradition of mine to do a "variety" post of sorts each Friday. The SASF in the title stands for Short Attention Span Friday. I'm waffling between posting here and posting over there in Blogger, so today, I'm going to post SASF here and there both. Yeah, don't know if I'm coming or going but at least I'm moving! lol

Enough blather - Collapse )
  • Current Mood
    chipper chipper


Ok, kids...I'm going out on a limb here. Boo inspired me last week, so I thought "what the hell?"

It's HNT - that's Half Nekkid Thursday for those not in the know. It's a little fun each Thursday for exhibitionists, narcississts or those (like me) who like to be a little naughty and are working on their courage. lol

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  • Current Music
    Brian Setzer Orchestra - Dirty Boogie

40 Questions

I found this little questionnaire and, as I was reading it, it occurred to me that some of my LJ friends don't know me all that well unless they've come over to blogger and perused my archives. Anyhoo, I thought this sounded like fun, so here goes...

1. Would you marry for money? No. Unless he was funny, sensitive, intelligent, nice looking, considerate and loved me deeply. Then, the money would just be an extra special bonus. lol

2. Have you had braces? Boy howdy, have I? I had the WORKS. gah!

3. Could you live without a computer? Well, yes, but I wouldn't like it.

4. If you could live in any past time period, where would it be? Hmmm...

5. Do you drink enough water? I try, but probably not.

6. Do you wear shoes in the house or take 'em off? OFF as soon as I get in the door. I would go barefoot 24/7 if I could.

7. What are your favorite fruits? bananas, mangos, strawberries

8. What is your favorite place to visit? The Greek Islands.

9. Are you photogenic? Sometimes - depends on my mood & who is doing the shooting.

10. Do you dream in color or black and white? Color, I believe. Never really thought about it.

11. Why do you take surveys? 'cause they're fun.

12. Do you drink alcohol? yep. see a few posts down...

13. What is the most beautiful language? Among the ones I know, I would say French. It just flows...

14. Do you like being kissed when you are asleep? I don't know, since I'm not really aware of it. I like being kissed, though. ;)

15. WHAT do you like MOST sunrise or sunset? Sunsets

16. Do you want to live 100 years? It depends on my quality of life at taht point, but no, I don't think so.

17. Is a flat stomach important to you? ha ha ha ha ha! It's never been flat. I like my curves, thankyouverymuch.

19. When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights switched on or off? Depends on the movie. ;)

20. Do you believe in magic? Yes

22. Do you like to watch cartoons? Hell yeah!

23. At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real? I don't remember.

24. Do you write poems? Yes

25. Do you snore? So I am told, yes.

26. Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides? Sides always. I'm a pillow hugger.

27. Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler? Rottweiler - poodles are foo foo dogs. lol

28. Are you basically a happy person? For the most part, though I have my struggles.

29. Are you tired? Not right now. Thank you, Red Bull.

30. Did you drink anything with caffeine today? see #29

32. How many landline/cell phones do you have in your household? One landline and two cellphones.

33. Do you get along with your parents? Yes, very well. They're awesome.

36. Do you like anyone now? I like a LOT of people. duh. lol

37. What do you do when you're sad? pout, sulk, get pissed off and then get over it.

38. What do you need most now? money. Gawd, I hate being broke.

39. What song are you listening to now? Smashing Pumpkins - Siva

40. What are you craving right now? strawberries

Well now, wasn't that fun?

Squeee! Check out the sitcker I just won on eBay!

That baby's going on the 4 wheeler!
  • Current Music
    Smashing Pumpkins